In anticipation of tonight’s Lost episode, here’s my recap of last week’s show, in which nothing really happened… again.
JACK: I want answers, mysterious temple leader who showed up two episodes ago!
GHENGIS KHAN ISLAND EDITION GUY: As soon as we finish torturing your friend for reasons I won't divulge, I promise to answer all your questions.
INSERT OBLIGATORY TORTURE SCENE HERE
JACK: Okay, you had your hot poker party on my pal, now I want answers!
GKIEG: First, give your friend this pill that I just whipped up in my man kitchen. No, I won't tell you what it is or why you need to give it to him. That would be telling. I will say that it's delicious, because I made it.
JACK: Grumble… stupid mystery pill… grumble
JACK DECIDES NOT TO HAVE SAYID TAKE PILL. RETURNS TO GKIEG.
GKIEG: You didn’t give it to him, did you?
JACK: No! What's in this little bitch?
GKIEG: Your friend has a disease of indiscriminate and inexplicable origin. I can’t even describe it in my native and extremely eloquent Japanese (which I’m speaking just to annoy everyone), much less your inferior English. But you can trust me.
JACK: Trust you?! WTF! [Swallows pill] How you like dem apples?
GKIEG HEIMLICHS JACK. THE LITTLE BITCH IS PROMPTLY EXPELLED.
JACK: [Choke] Tell me what’s in it!? I’m a doctor, damn you! I must know!
GKIEG: Okay, so it’s poison! Are you happy now!? We brought your bearded chum back to life, but now we need to kill his ass or he’ll be diseased or something. We aren’t really sure why, but it’s #$%ing bad. It turns people into mad French chicks! Believe me, Sayid WILL go Rousseau on your Oceanic 815 ass.
JACK: I want answers, mysterious temple leader who showed up two episodes ago!
GHENGIS KHAN ISLAND EDITION GUY: As soon as we finish torturing your friend for reasons I won't divulge, I promise to answer all your questions.
INSERT OBLIGATORY TORTURE SCENE HERE
JACK: Okay, you had your hot poker party on my pal, now I want answers!
GKIEG: First, give your friend this pill that I just whipped up in my man kitchen. No, I won't tell you what it is or why you need to give it to him. That would be telling. I will say that it's delicious, because I made it.
JACK: Grumble… stupid mystery pill… grumble
JACK DECIDES NOT TO HAVE SAYID TAKE PILL. RETURNS TO GKIEG.
GKIEG: You didn’t give it to him, did you?
JACK: No! What's in this little bitch?
GKIEG: Your friend has a disease of indiscriminate and inexplicable origin. I can’t even describe it in my native and extremely eloquent Japanese (which I’m speaking just to annoy everyone), much less your inferior English. But you can trust me.
JACK: Trust you?! WTF! [Swallows pill] How you like dem apples?
GKIEG HEIMLICHS JACK. THE LITTLE BITCH IS PROMPTLY EXPELLED.
JACK: [Choke] Tell me what’s in it!? I’m a doctor, damn you! I must know!
GKIEG: Okay, so it’s poison! Are you happy now!? We brought your bearded chum back to life, but now we need to kill his ass or he’ll be diseased or something. We aren’t really sure why, but it’s #$%ing bad. It turns people into mad French chicks! Believe me, Sayid WILL go Rousseau on your Oceanic 815 ass.
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