Because YOU demanded it, a recap of the Lost episode, "The Substitute,” in which it seemed like we learned something new, but in actuality, not really.SAWYER (Sloshed on liquor): I’m afraid to be alone and I miss my blondie bear… mmmm… booze good.
LOCKELGANGER: Hello Sawyer. Put down your tasty beverage and come with me. I will tell you why you are on this asspit of an island!
SAWYER: You aren’t Locke. Locke was all ‘fraidy cat, but you… you just ooze man confidence like a fireproof Tom Selleck on a sea of lava. And believe me, I know. I used to be a wicked badass too until… well, now I guess.
LOCKELGANGER: Awww… come on, Sawyer. Take a nature walk with me. If not for actual answers, then for shits and giggles!
SAWYER [Shrugs]: For S&G? Yeah… F@#$ it, why not.
AS LOCKELGANGER AND SAWYER TRAVEL THROUGH THE JUNGLE, A TEENAGE BOY WHO MAY BE A YOUNG JACOB (THE ARCHENEMY OF LOCKELGANGER WHO WAS KILLED A FEW EPS AGO) SUDDENLY RUNS PAST.
SAWYER: Great. Someone let Lord of the Flies loose.
LOCKELGANGER: You can see him?!
SAWYER: Uh, yeah… Well, maybe. I am still pretty sauced…
JUNGLE BOY RUNS OFF AND LOCKELGANGER PURSUES.
JUNGLE BOY: [Stops and turns toward Lockelganger] You’re an asshole! You can’t break the rules! I liiiivvveeee!!!! Muhuhaha!!! [Skips away]
LOCKELGANGER AND SAWYER CONTINUE UNTIL THEY REACH A CLIFF WITH A LADDER THAT OVERLOOKS THE OCEAN. THE LADDER IS, OF COURSE, IN PRISTINE PHYSICAL CONDITION.
SAWYER: Aww, hell no!
LOCKELGANGER: There’s Vodka below. [Winks]
SAWYER AND LOCKELGANGER DESCEND. EXTRA DRAMATIC EFFECT HERE! THE LADDER BREAKS AND SAWYER ALMOST FALLS AND DIES. GASP! THEY REACH AN ENCHANTING GROTTO BY THE SEA.
SAWYER: Nice cave, Smeagol, but I see neither vodka nor giggles here.
LOCKELGANGER: Oh, it’s more than a cave, Sawyer. This is where Jacob liked to color! Look, see the names of your friends on the ceiling? Jacob was totally in his chalk experimentation phase then.
SAWYER: …
LOCKELGANGER: Oh, you were also chosen to be on this island, which everyone already knows, but I so enjoy reiteration. What you don’t know is that YOU are a finalist in Jacob’s Island Protector Sweepstakes! [Cue Price Is Right music]
SAWYER: That’s #@$%ing lame.
LOCKELGANGER: Indeed it is. So whattaya say we just blow this pop stand and get some brewskies in Vegas!
SAWYER: That is one of the best plans anyone has ever had on this freakin’ island. I hope you got a fast boat, cause my buzz is wearing off and I feel a teardrop coming.
LOCKELGANGER: You can see him?!
SAWYER: Uh, yeah… Well, maybe. I am still pretty sauced…
JUNGLE BOY RUNS OFF AND LOCKELGANGER PURSUES.
JUNGLE BOY: [Stops and turns toward Lockelganger] You’re an asshole! You can’t break the rules! I liiiivvveeee!!!! Muhuhaha!!! [Skips away]
LOCKELGANGER AND SAWYER CONTINUE UNTIL THEY REACH A CLIFF WITH A LADDER THAT OVERLOOKS THE OCEAN. THE LADDER IS, OF COURSE, IN PRISTINE PHYSICAL CONDITION.
SAWYER: Aww, hell no!
LOCKELGANGER: There’s Vodka below. [Winks]
SAWYER AND LOCKELGANGER DESCEND. EXTRA DRAMATIC EFFECT HERE! THE LADDER BREAKS AND SAWYER ALMOST FALLS AND DIES. GASP! THEY REACH AN ENCHANTING GROTTO BY THE SEA.
SAWYER: Nice cave, Smeagol, but I see neither vodka nor giggles here.
LOCKELGANGER: Oh, it’s more than a cave, Sawyer. This is where Jacob liked to color! Look, see the names of your friends on the ceiling? Jacob was totally in his chalk experimentation phase then.
SAWYER: …
LOCKELGANGER: Oh, you were also chosen to be on this island, which everyone already knows, but I so enjoy reiteration. What you don’t know is that YOU are a finalist in Jacob’s Island Protector Sweepstakes! [Cue Price Is Right music]
SAWYER: That’s #@$%ing lame.
LOCKELGANGER: Indeed it is. So whattaya say we just blow this pop stand and get some brewskies in Vegas!
SAWYER: That is one of the best plans anyone has ever had on this freakin’ island. I hope you got a fast boat, cause my buzz is wearing off and I feel a teardrop coming.
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