Thursday, July 2, 2009

An Incomplete Diary On Ireland

During our trip to Ireland I somehow had the bright idea to keep track of everything I experienced. I wanted to preserve my mad adventuring with the written word so that my children and their children and the robot clones of children 3.0 would know of my great and heroic journey across the sea.

So I bought a fancy magnetic journal adorned with Irish doors, took pen to tiny page and tried. Four hours later I had already failed to keep pace with the adventuring and the Guinness.

Having said that, what I shall pass down to the Robo-Sans is that this Irish Odyssey was so epic, so intense, so incredibly rich, that no words could quite capture its grandness. And they will understand because they will be fucking robot clones. They will shun paper and occasionally laugh electronically at the living. But for you, my present humans, I share this unedited, incomplete proof...

March 20, 2009 - Ire

Preparation for trip is a bit hectic. Too much work. Too many dreams of Guinness.

American Taxi is run by robots. There are no humans present at trans headquarters. Robots make me angry, especially when you can't see their robot faces.

Cab driver tells Tracy a joke. I don't hear it. He says he can't repeat it because he's afraid I'll punch him. I almost give him a mitt sandwich for being coy.

Cab becomes hot. Whined. Conditions normalized by cabbie, who tell us he was once a well-traveled aristocrat with a hard-on for Cypress. Former punch possibility fades. Tipped cabbie too much.

Aer Lingus airline tells us our seats aren't together. Unacceptable. Destroy! Requested managerial assistance. Seats changed. Aer Lingus man avoids destruction.

Ate a $9 sandwich. $10 with tax. Note to self: $10 sandwiches at airport bad. Smuggle in proper treats next trip.

Plane satisfactory. Seats in the very back. Explored galley. Irish Air hostess not pleased. I acted dumb, "Where is the lavatory, miss?" Went back to seat. Exploration of snack secrets failed. Further espionage needed on return trip.

Trip over ocean is pleasant. Watery crash death only enters mind once. In the dream I survive and rip out the eye of a shark. Tracy also survives. Looks fetching in coconut bikini. Island life enjoyable. Meat is plentiful. I make a "Wilson" out of a large, exotic fruit husk.

Back to reality - plane
Note: Diary includes a drawing of a plane. A bad drawing and not an actual representation.

Watched first ep of Kings. Very good drama. Ate some kind of beef stew with potatoes that looked like sparrow eggs. Not bad. Tasted even better after seeing Tracy's vegetarian meal (shudder).

Snuggled. Nice. Tracy is a darling. I love her a lot.

Plane lands in Ireland! Greeted by fog. We have journeyed into a cloud. This is Cloud City without a Lando.

Customs takes a while. Some French couple won't stop french talking. Whatever they discuss does not seem important. They realize they are in the wrong line and leave. Sweet cobra... relief!
Customs guy is unfriendly but efficient. Stamped. Baggage and Guinness await.

Walk is long. Boots heavy. Tracy's hand feels warm and inviting.

Bags acquired. Call Holly (my good friend who has been in Ireland for nearly 3 months). 1/2 hour away. We are little waves in a sea of green rugby jerseys. Ireland plays Wales later. Should they win, they will be the first team to sweep all other nations in the 6 nations conference. Rugby is tough. Want jersey.

Call Holly again. Been over an hour. She fails to meet at rendezvous point as discussed. She may be a robot. Turn to walk and Holly is found! So good to see her! Hugs! Her failure is excused. And she has brought me an Alan.

Alan is a thin Asian who was born in Ireland. He has decent taste in music but his driving skills are mediocre. He knows the band Mastodon, so I decide he can continue driving me. I discover he lived in the states for a while before returning to his Irish roots. His lack of brogue is mildly disappointing. I think about telling him to work on it, but I choose not to be a dick this early in our relationship.

Grafton Capital Hotel. Demure check-in girl says we can have our room in a 1/2 hour. Just enough time to fill bellies with Irishness. Note: bacon in Ireland kicks American bacon's ass.

Checked in. Slept. Dreamed of a river of Guinness and Irish sea faeries. Some were topless and Tracy was their leader.

Guinness brewery tour! I now know the secrets of its brilliance. Old dudes threw stuff together and stumbled upon a mighty concoction. Manly and mighty. Tracy and Holly don't like Guinness. Holly asks a bartender to contaminate her pint with Black Currant and was properly dismissed. "No Guinness shall be altered in any way at our brewery!" Dismayed, Holly returned to her seat, whereupon her glass was passed to me. Tracy was also defeated by the rich power of Guinness. Her pint soon passed to me. The king is triple crowned!

BUZZED! I buy stuff.

Off to the hotel bar where we are to meet Alan and watch the Irish rugby team attempt the 6 nation sweep. It's been 61 years since anyone has accomplished the feat. Only Wales stands in their way.

I drink many a Guinness and the match is fantastic. With only 3 minutes remaining Ireland kicks the ball through the uprights and goes up 2 pts. They hold off Wales and the nigh impossible becomes possible! Elation avalanches through the bar. The streets. The country. Rugby good.

Pissed (drunk in Irish) and full of glory, we stumble into a restaurant called Captain America's! As a comic book geek extraordinaire, I am suddenly jizzing my pants. Comic book murals adorn the walls. The waitresses wear T-shirts adorned with Cap's shield. I order a cheeseburger and a drink named after Cap's arch nemesis, the Red Skull. The drink is bad. Nazi bad. I give it to Alan. He's too hammered to reject evil.

We joke and laugh. I mist Holly with food particles. I purchase a Captain America's T-shirt. Happy. Ireland is sweet.

2 comments:

Tracy said...

You also fail to mention that there were six more undocumented days after your narrative ended...

Anonymous said...

Hey, guys! I totally love this idea! It's so fun to read about your travels. Nice work! :) - Carolyn

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